You are not logged in. Login - Sign Up
1...442443
New Thread
Edgeworks Forums   »   General   »   Off Topic   »   Girl Talk
squattingb
Sep 18 2013, 1:18am


Joined: Apr 15th, 2005
Location: Toronto
Posts: 21,207
Achievements: 24


Pretty much what reaper said, just do what you both will enjoy the most, whatever that may be. If you want to vary it up and spice it up, go for it, or just do the same thing every time. If you find that you are becoming bored or unhappy with the time you spend together then communicate that and figure something out. It's really all about communication and just talking to the other person. Without that, the relationship goes nowhere.

In terms of balancing everything in your life, my philosophy is that your life comes first before anyone else's and at this point in our lives, being early-mid 20's for most people here, we have our whole future and careers ahead of us. We should focus our efforts on our careers and establishing a good life for ourselves and ourselves only. The ones we're in a relationship matter but if they end up compromising your ability to realize your career goals or life dreams then a change may be in order.

-------------------------------
R A W R
~ BEvERages
Kittens!!! More kittens!!!
Fastest 3x3x3 Rubik's Cube solve: 39.70s
Fastest 4x4x4 Rubik's Cube solve: 5m 24.88s


Codex Sponsor
Heretic Sponsor
   
 
grunty_thirst Oct 3 2013, 10:44am


Joined: Feb 11th, 2005
Location: n/a
Posts: 7,638
Achievements: 15


In terms of balancing everything in your life, my philosophy is that your life comes first before anyone else's and at this point in our lives, being early-mid 20's for most people here, we have our whole future and careers ahead of us. We should focus our efforts on our careers and establishing a good life for ourselves and ourselves only. The ones we're in a relationship matter but if they end up compromising your ability to realize your career goals or life dreams then a change may be in order.


Yeah that's about my feelings as well, and I'm certainly not closed to moving to more distant lands interstate if the right opportunity came up. But I'm pretty fortunate living in Geelong with easy transport up to Melbourne which is as good a city as any to live and work in. I would love to find even just a part-time research or writing position somewhere that would get me three days a week, and then I can manage some extra casual hours around that. Unfortunately, there's just so few jobs/companies that tend to offer low-entry positions to develop a younger employee, not to mention competition is fierce in most areas anyway.

Next step is making contacts, but to return to the point of conversation, I'm looking forward to next year and this plan to move in with gf and friend(s) in a sharehouse. And probably though this year I'm much more aware of how we interact with each other and when we might get on the others nerves (mainly my fault I dont doubt), as I like my own space and time to myself to wind down. But a sharehouse with a couple of good friends would certainly help balance out the time spent with JUST the two of us and also to maintain contact with other people.

-------------------------------
And the reason I understand the difference between attraction and liking is that I'm a girl. Our brains don't reside in our genital areas. - 64
True... but it's grunty_thirst. Anything could happen. - Fish
Because, you know, reminding is the devil, and those who remind often end up in the firey pits of hell. - rearanged
The pen is mightier than the sword if the sword is very short, and the pen is very sharp - Terry Pratchett
Check out all the works of art from the Forum members - At The Codex Forums Gallery of Fine Arts
*=,._/~ DevArt! ~_.,=*
   
 
spartan117 Jun 9 2014, 10:45pm


Joined: Jul 19th, 2005
Location: Location
Posts: 5,193
Achievements: 16


Megabump. I know not a lot of people frequent this place anymore. Those of us that do are basically just like tumbleweeds rolling across highways, occasionally finding ourselves in places like this. Despite this, I feel the necessity to post some things here on the off-chance that someone may read it and be willing to offer me advice, or at the very least, reassurance.

So, a couple of years back my mother died and my father re-married. My new stepfamily is great, and I love each and everyone who is a part of it. I'll just say right now that my particular situation does not involve incest. At least, not really.

I never spoke very much to my stepsister. She is one year my junior, and we really don't have a lot of the same common interests, or so I thought. As I said, I never got to talk to her much until just recently. When I moved in with her family, she was just leaving to go to university out-of-state, and she was gone for quite some time. When she came back, I was busy with university, and never got to speak with her much outside of occasional smalltalk.

That all changed just last week. We all went to Florida for a week-long vacation. It was amazing, and I'm considering moving out there when I get on my feet. The first day we were there, she and I really hit it off. I don't know what it was, but we were flirting like crazy and I thoroughly enjoyed it. We did it all in private, and sure, we did have a few drinks beforehand, but we weren't blackout shitfaced drunk.

That day I instantly warmed up to her, and within a few hours of being around her, I felt this sudden sensation that I just really, really like her. More than a friend or step-sibling. I didn't have any sexual desires or fantasies revolving around my new-found emotions, but I felt genuine appreciation and love for who she is. To the point that if we weren't related by marriage, I'd have asked her out on a date a long, long time ago.

So, that entire week we were flirting a lot. It got to the point where I was just holding her in my arms, telling her how perfect she is. Granted, I was pretty drunk at that point, but I seriously meant everything I was telling her. She probably passed it all off on me being drunk though. After that, she started being way more affectionate with me. She was doing things like putting her arm around me while walking, responding very positively to my compliments and advances, and she just seemed, well, happier around me.

Our last night in Florida, I decided I was going to apologize to her if she found any of my behavior while I was drunk to be inappropriate and uncomfortable. After all, I don't quite remember exactly what we did all that week, just bits and pieces come to memory. The first thing she did when she sat down next to me was tell me "I am so glad to be here with you right now". That hit me pretty hard, but I was terrified to display my affection on the off-chance that she was just being super friendly. After delivering my apology, she started to giggle. Super cute-like. It didn't sound uneasy or nervous, it's as if she was genuinely surprised that I was apologizing to her. When she quieted down, she looked me in the eyes and said "It's okay!" and proceeded to giggle some more.

A few conversation pieces later, she told me that she was good at reading guys. Things like their intentions and personalities. At that point in time, I wanted to say "Well, I suppose you already know I like you then", but the beta was too powerful and instead I said "that's good."

The car ride home, she was brushing up against me while I was trying to sleep. After a few minutes, she'd get closer and closer to me until her thighs were basically right ontop of me. Instead of moving away, I decided to pretend to be asleep and see if she would eventually move. She didn't, at least until someone took notice that she was sitting awfully close to me. This repeated many, many times.

Since we've been home, we haven't really talked much. I much prefer to be with her in private, because she acts completely different around me with nobody else in the same room as us. Not exactly flirtatious, but just generally happier.

I want to tell her how I feel about her, but I'm terrified of the risks. I have a solid feeling that she at least feels something for me, even if it's not what I expect, I know she has to like me at least a little bit. Even if it's just as a friend or a brother. I'd just like to know how she feels, and the only way I can get a straight answer is if I bring it up. It's just, the subject is so incredibly touchy. She's technically my sister, but we're both adults so technically we can do whatever we want. There's just an incredible social taboo connected to the subject in question, and that taboo petrifies me when I consider telling her about my feelings.

I have a good feeling that she will react positively, even if it's just to tell me "Sorry, I don't like you like that". Still, the risk of being seen as a perverted creep in her eyes because we're step-siblings is present, even if I think it's a very low possibility of happening.

I'd like to point out that I am not interested in a sexual relationship with her. I just want to tell her how I feel, and leave the rest up to her. I do not want to put her in a situation where she feels obligated to do something she does not want to do. Anything that she tells me, short of the worst possible scenario, will be perfectly okay for me. If she decides to take it further, I'm fine with it. If she doesn't want to talk about it again, that's okay too. I just want someone to talk to about this so I feel like less of a creep. I know it's not really that creepy or weird, but at the same time it really actually is. I am so conflicted on the subject that I don't even know what to believe anymore, and if she has at least a small factor of likability towards me, then I'll have someone close to speak to about it. Someone who understands the frustration.

The big issue is getting a private moment with her. It's insanely difficult. She's either gone doing her own thing, or hanging out with family members in the house. As I said before, she seems way more comfortable displaying her flirtatious and playful side when it's just the two of us. Unfortunately, I just can't find an opportunity to make it happen, nor create one. My plan for today was to ask her if she wanted to go somewhere with me and just lay it all on her, but she was gone for half the day. I was going to tell her when she came back, but she was having friends over, and on the off-chance that she took the news negatively, I did not want to be the one responsible for ruining her time with them.

If she weren't related to me, I'd have a much easier time with this. It's just a serious shame that we're step-siblings, because I really do like her. The fact that I'm okay with the bare minimum answer of "No, don't bring this up again" proves it. I won't be crushed if that happens. I'll be happy, because at least then I can drop this whole thing and move on with myself.

Sorry about this huge wall of text, assuming anybody reads it. I just want to reach out to some people and see if anyone was in a similar situation.

-------------------------------


"Spartan117 explores his sexuality via an internet forum." - Nick
"Spartan117, boldly going where no one else really wants to go." - Trance
   
 
squattingb
Jun 10 2014, 6:48pm


Joined: Apr 15th, 2005
Location: Toronto
Posts: 21,207
Achievements: 24


I will respond later tonight, I don't have a lot of time right now but I wanted to you know that I read what you wrote and that I am completely behind you all the way . Will have more to say later tonight.

-------------------------------
R A W R
~ BEvERages
Kittens!!! More kittens!!!
Fastest 3x3x3 Rubik's Cube solve: 39.70s
Fastest 4x4x4 Rubik's Cube solve: 5m 24.88s


Codex Sponsor
Heretic Sponsor
   
 
spartan117 Jun 10 2014, 10:14pm


Joined: Jul 19th, 2005
Location: Location
Posts: 5,193
Achievements: 16


I will respond later tonight, I don't have a lot of time right now but I wanted to you know that I read what you wrote and that I am completely behind you all the way . Will have more to say later tonight.


Thank you! I've gotten a lot of mixed responses. Some have told me to avoid it entirely or risk making the rest of my life in this house extremely awkward. Others have told me to go for it and see what happens. I'm just so confused right now. I've known plenty of girls in my life, and those that I have been interested in before do not give me the same sensations and emotions as she does. It's something I've never felt before. I don't know how to describe it. I seriously doubt it's love, but it's definitely something, and I like the way it feels. It makes me feel so much better about myself. I feel less miserable and cynical when I'm around her and talking to her. I know that I have to be making her feel better, too. She's the type of girl who occasionally fishes for compliments by saying things like "I'm fat" or stressing out over particular things regarding her appearance, such as a blistering sunburn or runny mascara.

When she says things like this, I just tell her that she's perfect the way she is, cute, etc etc. One morning in Florida she came outside wearing the cutest outfit I've ever seen, and she had her glasses on. She rarely wears them because she thinks she doesn't look attractive in them. The first thing I said to her was "You look cute." She blushed and smirked and took a seat next to me. She started to wear them a lot more often after that.

I talked to one of my coworkers about this predicament today. He was surprised that one of the only girls I've ever been interested in happens to be my step-sister, but he seemed to definitely understand my conflict. By the time the two of us got acquainted, we were both adults and hadn't been in the same home since birth, or at the very least, a young age. I mean, it's only natural, right?

The psychological and instinctual barriers that we put up to prevent feelings like this from forming with our kin were never created. She's attractive, inside and out. It would be dumb of me to not acknowledge that, or even make an attempt to act on my feelings just because we are step-siblings. That just doesn't feel right. In the eyes of society, and most likely the rest of our family, it would be frowned upon (since we're step-siblings). But to me, it's completely natural. We're both adults, we didn't grow up in the same home since early childhood, and we're technically not related to one another.

It's just so frustrating. I don't even know what to think anymore. It's driving me insane. I know that sooner or later I'm going to tell her, but I don't want to "tell" her in the sense that I confess my feelings. I want to talk to her. I'm sure she feels something for me as well, and I'd like to have a serious conversation about it and see where it leads us. I just can't seem to bring myself to do it at the moment. Not out of fear, but out of convenience. I'm not comfortable with asking her for a private moment because most of the time, she's with other people. Telling someone "Hey, can we talk in private?" or "Hey, can you come here for a sec?" can appear slightly suspicious to others.

One of these days I'll ask her what she's up to and if she doesn't have anything planned, I'll ask if she wants to go anywhere with me. I guess while we're out we could sit down somewhere and hash it out, but I feel like that would be kind of mean and inconsiderate since she wouldn't even be prepared for it in the slightest, whereas saying "I need to talk to you in private" definitely causes some form of mental preparation for what you're about to hear.

Eventually I'll figure it out and muster the courage and bravery to get some time with her and lay everything out. I just don't want to wait too long. For all I know, if she is slightly interested in me, she's becoming irritated at my lack of advances. After all, she is the type of girl who firmly believes that men should be the ones to make the "first move" in these kinds of scenarios. Only, my first move isn't going to be a hug or a kiss, or a request for a date. I'll be spilling all of my feelings and confusion right onto her. It makes me feel bad, but at the same time, if she even has an inkling of a feeling for me, it might be exactly what she needs to hear.

Of all the girls I've ever known or could meet, the one that makes me feel completely different from all the rest just has to be my step-sister. It's so frustrating, and I feel for every poor soul out there who has endured the same torture.

-------------------------------


"Spartan117 explores his sexuality via an internet forum." - Nick
"Spartan117, boldly going where no one else really wants to go." - Trance
   
 
squattingb
Jun 11 2014, 1:25pm


Joined: Apr 15th, 2005
Location: Toronto
Posts: 21,207
Achievements: 24


Where to start... first, I am sorry I didn't actually respond last night, got home late and was quite tired.

I guess I'll start by saying that I understand how hard it is to work up the courage and the confidence to bring this up with her, and the agonizing question of how to do it and worrying whether the choice you make will be the best one. It is difficult but if you've taken the time to think about it and feel what feels right to you, that is the best decision you can ever make and it will help you be confident in that.

For me, I've dealt with and I am still dealing with similar issues of social norms and what is considered acceptable by "the public". I certainly have some advice and tips but having the courage to follow through is so much easier said than done.

It is clear that you feel very strongly for her, whether you believe it to be love or not, or even romantic love vs sibling love. You've said repeatedly that she makes you feel good in a way no other girl ever has before. I think it is absolutely great that you guys had occasions to just talk and connect with each other, those private moments are our most vulnerable and to let someone in to those moments and come out feeling safe and happy, is rare. I know you said that on some of those occasions you were drunk or tipsy but I hope that the subsequent moments have assured you that the connection you have with her goes beyond that.

Obviously I can't tell you what it is you're feeling and what kind of love it is, if it is love at all, these are questions only you can answer and likely only if you are truly in touch with your emotions, but maybe not. What I will say is that our feelings are sometimes all we have, be assured in them and be confident of what you feel.

Public opinion be damned, social norms are for the masses and for the average. When we feeling something or want to do something that is outside of what "normal people" do, it is not wrong, it is different and it is something to be embraced. There is obviously no genetic/hereditary risk if you and her were to have kids and that would really be the only genuine concern you could have. Yes, there is a risk that it could upset the rest of the family if you two decide to get together, that is something you will have to think about and weigh its worth. But I will say that too often kids and young adults give up on their dreams due to family pressures and wanting to make the family or their parents happy, essentially giving up their own lives for the sake of their parent's lives. Seems backwards if you think about what parenting should be all about.

But as you said, you're not really sure what it is you feel and you're not really sure how and when to tell her. But you're also worried that you might be taking too long to do anything, while worrying if you should do anything at all. These are conflicts we all struggle with, I think the best way to overcome these worries is to focus on what you want, be sure of it, and then doing everything in your power to make it a reality. When you're sure of what you want, most of your worries will fall to the wayside. She seems like a really open person, at least when with you in private, and it is clear she trusts you and appreciates you. Just be honest with her, respect her trust you and be completely honest, she will respond in kind and that is the best thing you can do. I know all too well what half-truths and lies can lead to in situations like this. If you are honest then everything will work out as it's meant to.

I know that you can do this, it seems hard and daunting but at the end of the day, it is about connecting with a person that you care about and someone that matters to you.

-------------------------------
R A W R
~ BEvERages
Kittens!!! More kittens!!!
Fastest 3x3x3 Rubik's Cube solve: 39.70s
Fastest 4x4x4 Rubik's Cube solve: 5m 24.88s


Codex Sponsor
Heretic Sponsor
   
 
spartan117 Jun 11 2014, 3:46pm


Joined: Jul 19th, 2005
Location: Location
Posts: 5,193
Achievements: 16


Where to start... first, I am sorry I didn't actually respond last night, got home late and was quite tired.

I guess I'll start by saying that I understand how hard it is to work up the courage and the confidence to bring this up with her, and the agonizing question of how to do it and worrying whether the choice you make will be the best one. It is difficult but if you've taken the time to think about it and feel what feels right to you, that is the best decision you can ever make and it will help you be confident in that.

For me, I've dealt with and I am still dealing with similar issues of social norms and what is considered acceptable by "the public". I certainly have some advice and tips but having the courage to follow through is so much easier said than done.

It is clear that you feel very strongly for her, whether you believe it to be love or not, or even romantic love vs sibling love. You've said repeatedly that she makes you feel good in a way no other girl ever has before. I think it is absolutely great that you guys had occasions to just talk and connect with each other, those private moments are our most vulnerable and to let someone in to those moments and come out feeling safe and happy, is rare. I know you said that on some of those occasions you were drunk or tipsy but I hope that the subsequent moments have assured you that the connection you have with her goes beyond that.

Obviously I can't tell you what it is you're feeling and what kind of love it is, if it is love at all, these are questions only you can answer and likely only if you are truly in touch with your emotions, but maybe not. What I will say is that our feelings are sometimes all we have, be assured in them and be confident of what you feel.

Public opinion be damned, social norms are for the masses and for the average. When we feeling something or want to do something that is outside of what "normal people" do, it is not wrong, it is different and it is something to be embraced. There is obviously no genetic/hereditary risk if you and her were to have kids and that would really be the only genuine concern you could have. Yes, there is a risk that it could upset the rest of the family if you two decide to get together, that is something you will have to think about and weigh its worth. But I will say that too often kids and young adults give up on their dreams due to family pressures and wanting to make the family or their parents happy, essentially giving up their own lives for the sake of their parent's lives. Seems backwards if you think about what parenting should be all about.

But as you said, you're not really sure what it is you feel and you're not really sure how and when to tell her. But you're also worried that you might be taking too long to do anything, while worrying if you should do anything at all. These are conflicts we all struggle with, I think the best way to overcome these worries is to focus on what you want, be sure of it, and then doing everything in your power to make it a reality. When you're sure of what you want, most of your worries will fall to the wayside. She seems like a really open person, at least when with you in private, and it is clear she trusts you and appreciates you. Just be honest with her, respect her trust you and be completely honest, she will respond in kind and that is the best thing you can do. I know all too well what half-truths and lies can lead to in situations like this. If you are honest then everything will work out as it's meant to.

I know that you can do this, it seems hard and daunting but at the end of the day, it is about connecting with a person that you care about and someone that matters to you.


Yeah, I'm actually becoming far more open with the whole subject now. I was shocked when I was comfortable with discussing it with one of my coworkers yesterday, and today I talked about it casually with some others, looking for some pointers or advice. No direct answer was given, other than "well, do whatever you think you need to do." One of my coworkers was freaking out until I explained that my stepsister and I only very recently started talking to eachother.

I have a very strong feeling that she at least feels something for me as well, even if it's not on the same level as what I feel. How she's going to react most certainly is not a concern for me. It's how to get to it. Like I said, sooner or later I'll figure something out. I know it's what I want to do. Timing and convenience just aren't on my side right now. Granted, I suppose if I really wanted to talk to her about this, I would force open an opportunity, but I'm not that kind of person. Sometimes it's better to wait for an opportunity to present itself.

I know she won't freak out over the news. Even if she doesn't have the same feelings towards me, I will be relieved to just have a straight answer so I can stop assuming things and stop feeling confused. If I didn't think she were attracted to me, I wouldn't be stressing out over this. I'd be ignoring it entirely.

I appreciate your insight, sbear. I'm pretty comfortable with the subject now, I just need to focus on getting some time with her. It was very easy while we were in Florida since opportunities for some private time were in large abundance, but now that we're back home, not so much.

-------------------------------


"Spartan117 explores his sexuality via an internet forum." - Nick
"Spartan117, boldly going where no one else really wants to go." - Trance
   
 
spartan117 Jul 6 2014, 6:28pm


Joined: Jul 19th, 2005
Location: Location
Posts: 5,193
Achievements: 16


So, a little update regarding my predicament with my stepsister. Ever since Florida, we haven't really been talking a whole lot. That's mostly my fault due to my little internal conflict regarding my feelings for her. As a result, I never really got to continue testing things out and getting a feel for how she thinks of me. However, as of the last week, I've been stepping up my efforts and spending as much time with her as I can.

I like hanging out with her. A lot. And it's not because I have a crush on her. I think of her as a close friend. I haven't had a REAL close friend in...I can't even remember. I don't think I've ever had one. There are things that I've said and done with her that I haven't done with anybody before. She's the first girl that I've ever been around that makes me feel safe and comfortable. It's not normal for me to greet a girl with a compliment like "you look really cute today", but I feel comfortable saying those things to her. It feels...right. I don't know how to describe it. And I don't have an ulterior motive here. My interest in her is not sexual in nature. I just have a genuine appreciation for her. She's really been helping me get over all of my insecurities and just spending time with her builds my confidence immensely. And...I think she knows that. I have no way to be sure, but I'd like to be sure of it. That's what I REALLY want to talk to her about. I want her to know how much of a good influence she is on my life, and that for years I lived pretty much alone because of my own stupid decision to alienate myself from everybody who cared for me. I want her to know that she's one of the first girls I've been around that makes me feel comfortable and safe instead of vulnerable and nervous. I want her to know all of that.

I don't need to tell her that I like her. I just want to sit down and have a real, intimate conversation with her. The time that I spend with her I cherish greatly. It's gotten to the point where I dread sitting in my room now, whereas it used to be the one place and time where I felt happy (or at least, that's what I said to myself to feel okay about it). When I'm at work I just feel like rushing home and getting through my work as quickly as I can so I can come home and spend time with her.

I guess I'm just feeling super clingy because she's the first girl that I've ever felt this way around. But that's not a problem, is it? It's not like I follow her around like a lost puppy or anything. I just find her when I get sick of sitting in my room and ask her if she's up for watching some stuff on Netflix, and boom, we chill together for hours. Some days we don't really even talk a whole lot, but I still enjoy it. I'd rather be around her doing nothing than in my room doing nothing. Around her I feel better about myself, and I feel like she appreciates having me around.

I'd rather not tell her about _ALL_ of my feelings for her. I don't want to risk turning this relationship that we have into something awkward and broken. And who knows, maybe some day it will turn into something different, but at this point in time, I enjoy whatever it is that the two of us have, and that's good enough for me. Better, actually.

-------------------------------


"Spartan117 explores his sexuality via an internet forum." - Nick
"Spartan117, boldly going where no one else really wants to go." - Trance
   
 
squattingb
Jul 12 2014, 6:27pm


Joined: Apr 15th, 2005
Location: Toronto
Posts: 21,207
Achievements: 24


I think it's good to just talk to her, even just about how you enjoy spending time together. You don't even have to say much but just saying something. And no it's not a problem that she's the first girl.

-------------------------------
R A W R
~ BEvERages
Kittens!!! More kittens!!!
Fastest 3x3x3 Rubik's Cube solve: 39.70s
Fastest 4x4x4 Rubik's Cube solve: 5m 24.88s


Codex Sponsor
Heretic Sponsor
   
 
spartan117 Jul 13 2014, 12:12pm


Joined: Jul 19th, 2005
Location: Location
Posts: 5,193
Achievements: 16


I think it's good to just talk to her, even just about how you enjoy spending time together. You don't even have to say much but just saying something. And no it's not a problem that she's the first girl.


Yeah, we've been getting really close with each other the last couple of days. I'm not quite sure where things are headed, but I really enjoy it. I've been opening up to her a lot lately and she definitely understands what it's like to have difficulty doing that. I haven't told her how I feel, but I think if this keeps up I'll be confident enough in myself to do it. And at that point it shouldn't even be awkward if the feelings aren't mutual, because I know she appreciates having me in her life.

-------------------------------


"Spartan117 explores his sexuality via an internet forum." - Nick
"Spartan117, boldly going where no one else really wants to go." - Trance
   
 
squattingb
Jul 28 2014, 6:40pm


Joined: Apr 15th, 2005
Location: Toronto
Posts: 21,207
Achievements: 24


Sorry for not being here the past couple of weeks, but I'm glad to hear that things are moving along and going well

-------------------------------
R A W R
~ BEvERages
Kittens!!! More kittens!!!
Fastest 3x3x3 Rubik's Cube solve: 39.70s
Fastest 4x4x4 Rubik's Cube solve: 5m 24.88s


Codex Sponsor
Heretic Sponsor
   
 
spartan117 Aug 18 2014, 2:05am


Joined: Jul 19th, 2005
Location: Location
Posts: 5,193
Achievements: 16


Welp, she's leaving to go back to college on Tuesday, I believe. Or Wednesday. I've heard two different dates so far. I'm really hoping that it's Wednesday. I still haven't told her anything. I think that's for the best. Whether she feels the same towards me is difficult to say. Lately, she's been spending a lot of time around her ex-boyfriend.

Seeing them spend time together makes me feel angry and sad at the same time. I'm not jealous of him. It's not like that. I think it's great that they got to reconnect and spend some time together, but at the same time it kills me inside because, well, I like her too---in a completely platonic way, of course. It's just, when I see them spend time together I feel like she and I are getting further and further apart. And I think I'm correct in that regard, because we went from talking all the time and having fun conversations while I was at work to barely any contact whatsoever, right around the time she started hanging out with him.

Granted, it's partially my fault because I didn't want to subject myself to seeing them together. But I feel like she's also partially to blame, because when I'd attempt to set something up she would never give me an answer back; or she'd say "Yeah, sounds good!" and then it would never happen because she'd leave to go do something else, flaking on our plans entirely.

Right now, I'd say we're back to square one. Barely talking, just passing small talk, etc etc. It's as if we never got close at all, and that just destroys me because I really enjoyed and cherished that stuff. I don't hate her, I just wish she would express more interest in wanting to talk to me now, like she used to, especially with how close it is to her time to leave. I really, really miss her. It feels like she already left weeks ago.

When it's down to the last few minutes of her being here I don't know if I'll be able to say my goodbyes. For all I know I'll just break down after she leaves, or break down in the middle of giving her a goodbye hug. Maybe I won't feel anything at all? I just...really, really want her to know. Everything. All of the embarrassing details about how I feel about her. How crazy it's been for me. About everything. It's such an insane battle of dualities. I can't even comprehend it. I feel like I've just been hiding from myself for the past two and a half months. No way to really act on my feelings, no way to express myself, no way to show her how I feel without making things awkward. It's difficult to express these things in words, that's why we've got loving actions like hugs, kisses, and well, sex. I just can't do any of those things with her. Hugs, sure, but hugs are hugs. Lots of people give and receive hugs. Even casual friends. I want her to know that she's more to me than just a casual friend. She means a lot to me, and she's been the best influence on my life, even if she has been driving me insane.

I want her to know all of that. All of the pain I've had to endure, all of the confusion and inner conflicts, all of my feelings for her---all of it. I hope that, when she's about to leave, if I go in for a hug and immediately begin crying, she knows why. Not just because I'll miss her. I hope that she'll understand, at least a little bit. That's what I want more than anything. I want her to understand my frustration.

I really don't know what I'm going to do when she's really actually gone. I'm going to miss the sensation of being at work, knowing that when I come home I'll get to see her and spend time with her. I'm going to miss our fun playful conversations about things to do or things to watch on netflix. I'm going to miss hearing her laugh and talk. I'm going to miss everything, even the stuff that's been driving me up the wall these last couple weeks. It really sucks.

I've been drinking a bit too much lately. I'm not an alcoholic, but to give you an example, last night I drank an entire 12 pack of beer and just started crying. I think I need some help, or at least, really need her to be gone from my life. As much as it sucks I think it'd be the best thing to happen to me right now.

I hate this.

EDIT
You know what, I think I'm just completely done liking her. She no longer makes any efforts to even speak to me or acknowledge my existence. All my attempts to reach out to her are met with being ignored. I'm sick of it. We were supposed to hang out during the weekend, sort of a "last chance" netflix/conversation binge before she leaves, but we didn't. She spent all weekend hanging out with her ex, of whom she apparently has, and I quote, "no feelings for." I get wanting to reconnect with someone but it's plainly obvious I'm just an afterthought to her.

I'm done devoting so much of my time and energy to trying to get closer to her. She doesn't take the time for me anymore. She doesn't even seem to give a shit.

EDIT 2
After I left work yesterday, I drove around for like 30 minutes just thinking about things and how much she really, really hurt me by clearly ignoring all of my attempts to bring us closer together when I knew we were drifting apart. I started smoking again too. I actually quit because of her. It's a long story.

Anyway, that day I told her that I bought a pack of cigarettes. I hated myself for buying one, but I was stressed out from work and I was even more stressed about her. So I smoked. That whole pack, actually. And I got started on a second one. I was hoping that at some point during the day, she'd have texted me back or even just called me to tell me not to do it. Just...something. Anything that showed she cared. She didn't say a single thing.

I came home and tossed the pack on my parent's bed and said "get these things away from me". She was in the room with them, and as I was walking away I heard her say "No guys! It's okay, he just bought a pack, I know he didn't smoke any of them!" and then I yelled "Nope, that's my second pack" and she just yelled my name like she was really, honestly disappointed in me. That made me feel so much better. About everything.

I went to bed, but I couldn't sleep. She was, once again, hanging out with her ex. I wanted to go and talk to her, but I couldn't. I hate intruding on their privacy, and when I am around the both of them, I feel like a third wheel. So I decided to try and reach out to her once more. I was under the impression she'd be leaving today, but she's leaving on Wednesday. I sent her a very sincere and thoughtful goodbye text on the off-chance I wouldn't be here when she was leaving, and I was expecting no answer. She never talks to me when she's around him. Much to my surprise, she answered back with an equally thoughtful reply. After chatting for a bit like that, we decided we'd hang out tonight.

Well, here I am. And her ex is here, most likely hanging out with her. I just...I just can't be around them. I refuse to subject myself to it. When I see them together it really kills me. I feel like our closeness just doesn't even matter, and right now, this is the closest I've ever gotten to anybody and I've made that very clear to her, but when this stuff happens it just makes it all feel pointless.

I just don't even know.

EDIT 3
That was quite a rollercoaster ride of emotions. I was about to throw in the towel and forget about her, then she came into my room and asked if I wanted to hang out. We watched the season finale to one of our favorite shows (we both openly hate on it because it's cheesy and stupid, but we both secretly love watching it).

It was nice. Really nice. And fitting since it was the season finale and she was leaving the next day. When I went to go to bed, I found it hard to sleep. She was leaving the next morning, about an hour before I needed to go to work.

When I was putting my shoes on she came into my room and gave me a nice, long hug. Kinda like the one I gave her months ago in Florida. It felt nice. I went out to go to my car and leave, but I stuck around for the real goodbye.

As she was about to leave, I went in to give her another hug. I could feel her shaking, like she was about to fall apart right there infront of me. I just wanted to keep holding onto her, but I couldn't. It was too much for me to handle feeling her like that. I pulled away before I would begin to cry, and she smiled at me through her tears and said "No smoking". Right there was the single most heartfelt thing I've ever heard her say to me. I was about to break down, so I said "Yeah...I, I know. I need to go to work." Instead of saying goodbye, she said "See you soon." I let out an uneasy chuckle and said "Yeah...right" and drove off.

When I was at work, one of my coworkers asked if I was feeling okay. I always deflect those questions and say "Yes" even though I'm never feeling okay when people ask me that. This time, I said "No", and I just started crying. It made me wish I would have stuck around and held her more until I broke down. I wanted her to see how much I was going to miss her.

I was doing well after that lengthy day of work, at least, I was doing much better than I was when she left that very morning. And then I heard my phone go off at around midnight and saw a text from her. It was a very thoughftul message, and we talked for a bit. She told me she loves me, and I said the same to her. It was the first time she and I said we love each other.

I don't care how she meant it. I know girls like to throw that word around, and I'm not interested in thinking about it or over analyzing it. It just means so much to me to finally hear those words from someone who doesn't have to say them. And then I started crying more, and missing her more.

I miss coming home and seeing her. I miss hearing her talk to me. I miss the smell of her perfume and her stunning appearance when she first wakes up in the morning. I miss everything about her. It's hard for me without her around.

I'm going to visit her in January.

Thanks for all the advice and lending your ears to me, guys. It means a lot to me.

-------------------------------


"Spartan117 explores his sexuality via an internet forum." - Nick
"Spartan117, boldly going where no one else really wants to go." - Trance
   
 
squattingb
Aug 23 2014, 1:18am


Joined: Apr 15th, 2005
Location: Toronto
Posts: 21,207
Achievements: 24


Hey man,

That really does sound like a real rollercoaster of emotions. I'm sorry that it got so much that you felt like turning to drinking (which... a 12 pack of beer sounds impressive just for the sheer volume of liquid) and smoking again. But it seems like you have it under control so I'm glad for that. And I'm really happy for you to hear that it seems to have turned around in the end.

This is unsolicited advice so you don't have to pay attention to it, but in my opinion, it seems like that she has a lot of the same feelings for you that you do for her. Neither of you know how to express it and you both look for other outlets. For her, it seems like that is showing up as her hanging out with her ex, and for you, it becomes an emotional struggle because you feel like you have no one else to go to.

But it does seem like that at the end, she was able to open up to you in some way and you with her. I think that if you allow yourself to open up to her, and not be afraid that what you say may scare her, that she'll do the same with you. It's clear that she really cares for you very much. Don't let her go.

-------------------------------
R A W R
~ BEvERages
Kittens!!! More kittens!!!
Fastest 3x3x3 Rubik's Cube solve: 39.70s
Fastest 4x4x4 Rubik's Cube solve: 5m 24.88s


Codex Sponsor
Heretic Sponsor
   
 
spartan117 Aug 23 2014, 6:53pm


Joined: Jul 19th, 2005
Location: Location
Posts: 5,193
Achievements: 16


Hey man,

That really does sound like a real rollercoaster of emotions. I'm sorry that it got so much that you felt like turning to drinking (which... a 12 pack of beer sounds impressive just for the sheer volume of liquid) and smoking again. But it seems like you have it under control so I'm glad for that. And I'm really happy for you to hear that it seems to have turned around in the end.

This is unsolicited advice so you don't have to pay attention to it, but in my opinion, it seems like that she has a lot of the same feelings for you that you do for her. Neither of you know how to express it and you both look for other outlets. For her, it seems like that is showing up as her hanging out with her ex, and for you, it becomes an emotional struggle because you feel like you have no one else to go to.

But it does seem like that at the end, she was able to open up to you in some way and you with her. I think that if you allow yourself to open up to her, and not be afraid that what you say may scare her, that she'll do the same with you. It's clear that she really cares for you very much. Don't let her go.


I think you hit the nail on the head with all of that. I really did feel like I had no one else to go to. In some aspects I think she started hanging out with her ex not only to reconnect with someone she still has a soft spot for, but also to maybe try and take a step back and have time to process everything. Maybe even try to get detached from me so when the day came to leave it would be easier on her.

Today we talked a bit, like we used to. Just regular old fun conversations. It was really nice. She's settled in well. I wanted to tell her that I miss her. That it's been hard without her. That I wish I could hold her one more time. But I feel like I need to pace myself with all of this. I don't want to be too overwhelming on her and I do not want her to feel uncomfortable in any way. That's always been my main concern with expressing my feelings towards her.

With other girls, I never wanted to express my feelings out of a fear for myself. I'm extremely insecure. I always felt that I never really had anything to offer to other people, and when I'd start to form an attachment to someone I liked, I would feel afraid to show them how I feel because of my own lack of confidence.

With her, it's not like that. It's not that I feel inadequate about myself in her eyes. I know she loves me a lot. I just don't want to make her feel uncomfortable. And I think that says a lot about my love for her.

It's strange. I really do feel like I actually love her. For real. In a way that I honestly can't even begin to describe. I don't think I'd be having this difficult of a time without her around if I didn't. But at the same time that scares me, because I don't want to scare her.

Now that we seem to be at this new stage of...I don't know, "it's complicated"? I feel like I'll have a much easier time with expressing myself to her in a leisurely way. When she was still here, I felt like I had to spend every moment of free time I had with her since she was going to be leaving. But now that she's not here anymore, that pressure isn't on me anymore. It gives me a lot of time to reflect and process and think before I act.

-------------------------------


"Spartan117 explores his sexuality via an internet forum." - Nick
"Spartan117, boldly going where no one else really wants to go." - Trance
   
 
squattingb
Aug 24 2014, 11:37pm


Joined: Apr 15th, 2005
Location: Toronto
Posts: 21,207
Achievements: 24


Yeah, I think it's a good idea to pace it and try to understand how she feels without coming on too strongly. But I think that even just saying that you miss her or that you REALLY miss her is totally fine and wouldn't scare her.

-------------------------------
R A W R
~ BEvERages
Kittens!!! More kittens!!!
Fastest 3x3x3 Rubik's Cube solve: 39.70s
Fastest 4x4x4 Rubik's Cube solve: 5m 24.88s


Codex Sponsor
Heretic Sponsor
   
 
spartan117 Aug 25 2014, 12:09pm


Joined: Jul 19th, 2005
Location: Location
Posts: 5,193
Achievements: 16


Yeah, I think it's a good idea to pace it and try to understand how she feels without coming on too strongly. But I think that even just saying that you miss her or that you REALLY miss her is totally fine and wouldn't scare her.

Now I'm not so sure. I sent her a text a few nights ago telling her that I really miss her and that it's been hard for me without having her around...said that I miss seeing her everyday and spending time with her and talking to her. I wasn't afraid of saying those things to her.

She hasn't bothered replying back. At all. I don't know how to feel about that. It doesn't make me feel mad...just indifferent.



-------------------------------


"Spartan117 explores his sexuality via an internet forum." - Nick
"Spartan117, boldly going where no one else really wants to go." - Trance
   
 
squattingb
Aug 25 2014, 10:08pm


Joined: Apr 15th, 2005
Location: Toronto
Posts: 21,207
Achievements: 24


I see, well to be honest, I feel like there's a good reason for that and I believe that she will reply soon. It might be that she's been very busy and hasn't had the time, considering it's the start of school and all.

-------------------------------
R A W R
~ BEvERages
Kittens!!! More kittens!!!
Fastest 3x3x3 Rubik's Cube solve: 39.70s
Fastest 4x4x4 Rubik's Cube solve: 5m 24.88s


Codex Sponsor
Heretic Sponsor
   
 
spartan117 Aug 26 2014, 10:53am


Joined: Jul 19th, 2005
Location: Location
Posts: 5,193
Achievements: 16


I see, well to be honest, I feel like there's a good reason for that and I believe that she will reply soon. It might be that she's been very busy and hasn't had the time, considering it's the start of school and all.


I think she's just the type of texter who sees a text from a certain time of night and if she was asleep when she got it, then she just won't reply to it because it's like the ship has sailed and the window for conversation is gone. I'm kinda like that too. Still, wish she would have said something.

Last night I talked to her. We talked for about an hour and a half. I decided to tell her that I had a huge crush on her during our time in Florida, and how I had a lot of conflicting feelings during the whole time (hence why I was drinking soooo much when we were over there). She told me that everything's okay and that I didn't have anything to worry about. She said she was really flattered and happy and that she misses me.

I feel so much better knowing that. Sooooo much better. I definitely still have strong feelings for her, but I'll ease our conversations into that. From the looks of things that's definitely where I'm headed anyway.

-------------------------------


"Spartan117 explores his sexuality via an internet forum." - Nick
"Spartan117, boldly going where no one else really wants to go." - Trance
   
 
squattingb
Aug 26 2014, 10:23pm


Joined: Apr 15th, 2005
Location: Toronto
Posts: 21,207
Achievements: 24


that sounds like really positive news!

-------------------------------
R A W R
~ BEvERages
Kittens!!! More kittens!!!
Fastest 3x3x3 Rubik's Cube solve: 39.70s
Fastest 4x4x4 Rubik's Cube solve: 5m 24.88s


Codex Sponsor
Heretic Sponsor
   
 
1...442443
New Thread

Forum Statistics
Members Online (0)
(no users currently online)
Member Birthdays
No members have a birthday today.
Board Statistics
Our members have made a total of 271,794 posts across 6,606 threads
in the 14 years, 0 months, and 13 days since our first post.
We have 3,569 registered members.
The newest member is Kelderic.
- Top Member List
- Search Threads/Posts/Members
- Moderator List
- Achievement List

Powered by Trajan v3.0, © Edgeworks Entertainment, 2019.